Making Peace with the Fear of “Falling Behind” in Homeschooling

Another school year is winding down, and maybe you’re looking around at the unfinished lessons, the half-used workbooks, and that “really cool project” you meant to do in the spring, and wondering if you’ve somehow fallen behind.

It’s a heavy feeling, isn’t it? One that can whisper questions in your ear:

Did we cover enough?
Are my kids where they “should” be?
What if we didn’t do this right?

But before you slip into comparison or judgment, let’s take a breath and pause.

Real Life Isn’t a Highlight Reel

It’s so easy to compare the reality of our homeschool to the curated snapshots we see from others. You scroll through photos of art-filled tables and smiling children and feel that sinking sense of inadequacy creep in. But comparison leaves out context. It skips the tears, the messy middle, the interruptions, and the days when nothing seemed to go according to plan.

Instead of measuring your homeschool against someone else’s highlight reel, consider this: What if your perceived setbacks were actually fertile ground for growth? What if progress measured against yourselves meant more than comparison measured against others?

Learning Doesn’t Always Look the Way We Expect

Yes, learning can happen when we plan for it. When we sit down with a clear schedule, a checklist, and a lesson plan, we feel in control. In The Joy of Slow, I phrased it like this: “We typically like learning to be linear because we can more easily track it that way. If we can’t somehow track or categorize learning, then we have no proof that what we’re doing is ‘working.’”

But learning also happens when we least expect it—when we’re unaware, unprepared, or even reluctant to receive it.

Maybe your child learned patience when a project didn’t go right the first time. Maybe they developed resilience through a tough season in your family. Maybe you both grew closer through shared challenges. These moments count, too. Deeply.

When we only measure learning through neat benchmarks and linear progression, we risk missing the full picture.

“Learning can be circular and organic, and interests can be renewed or revisited over time. In fact, one of the benefits of seeing children develop gradually is that we witness the intricate layers of their learning. We can see the loops, zigzags, and connections—how natural learning really happens—and we can appreciate and respect it all.”

The Myth of “Falling Behind”

We often feel behind when we hold ourselves to a standard that’s disconnected from the reality of how children actually learn. A scope and sequence, a calendar year, or a checklist can be helpful, but they’re tools, not the whole truth.

After recently surveying homeschoolers, these are some things they reported made them feel behind. Perhaps some of the examples resonate with you?

When the kids get embarrassed because their friends (in traditional school) know something they don’t.
When your child isn’t as far along as others in their grade.
Productive procrastination—having a lot of information but no plan.
If they haven’t looked at the curriculum all week.
When they look at public school standards and realize they are 1-3 grades behind in math or language arts.
Not having all the basic math facts memorized.
Choosing the chores first because they sometimes feel more important.

These feelings aren’t uncommon. Over the years, I’ve heard similar things from new and veteran homeschoolers alike. Sometimes the checklist is mental—is my child measuring up to their peers? Do they know the same material? Sometimes, we use the standard checklist as a way to gauge whether we’re doing enough—how much of the curriculum have we completed? Have we done the things the curriculum makers say we should do with all the information? Other times, we’re overwhelmed by the checklist before we’ve even started. It’s too long and simply seems impossible.

“Many parents are worried about ‘learning gaps,’ which correlate with feelings of falling behind. “Gaps, inconsistencies, imbalances, and inequities are prevalent everywhere. Formal schooling is no more a surefire way to rectify them than homeschooling is to avoid them. And slow schooling makes no guarantees. But here is what it does do: It invites those participating to look beyond traditional benchmarks in an effort to see and appreciate the uneven development, the deviations from typical timelines of growth, the indirect paths to getting to a destination or level of understanding, and the lopsided strengths that don’t present themselves unilaterally, all from ever-changing and growing individuals.”

Learning isn’t linear.

It loops.
It deepens.
It sometimes stalls and then soars unexpectedly.
It blooms in its own time.

So is “behind” even the right word?

The language we use matters. When we say we’re behind, we’re assuming there’s one fixed path we were supposed to follow. But homeschooling allows us to break free from that assumption. It gives us the freedom to notice how much learning has happened that wasn’t in the lesson plan, and to honor that just as much.

Not a Free Pass, But a Fuller Picture

Let me be clear: this isn’t about doing nothing. It’s not about lowering expectations or avoiding effort. As homeschoolers, we deeply care about giving our kids a meaningful education.

But we can also care about how learning happens. We can make space for the messy, nonlinear, and often beautiful ways our children absorb and interact with the world.

Because learning can look both:

Neat and disorganized
Straightforward and complex
Predictable and wildly erratic

When we recognize and embrace these dualities, our homeschool experience becomes richer. We stop chasing perfection and start paying attention to what’s actually happening right in front of us.

Ask Better Questions

If the only question guiding your homeschool reflection is, “Are we doing enough?” you may be missing something.

Try asking:

Are we growing? How?
Are we learning how to learn? In what ways?
What does progress look like day-to-day vs. over time?
What parts of our experience are part of the progress story, even when it doesn’t look like forward motion?
Are we becoming better thinkers?
What new skills have we gained or started developing?
What accomplishments have we experienced? Who have we become to achieve them?
How well do we relate to others?
What learning have we been able to directly apply to our lives, relationships, interests, or plans?
Are we connected?
Are we curious?
Are we well?

These are just a handful of questions that can invite us into a more holistic understanding of progress…not just academic progress, but emotional and relational growth too.

Plans Are Scaffolding, Not Shackles

As you begin to dream and plan for your next homeschool year, remember this: your plans are scaffolding, not shackles.

They’re meant to support you, not bind you.

Use them to guide your days, yes. But allow room for curiosity, change, and slow wonder to redirect you when needed. Trust that detours might be the most meaningful parts of your journey. And trust that the learning that exists without your plans is still part of the important learning landscape you’re building altogether.

A Gentle Invitation

If you’re feeling behind, you’re not alone. But take a moment to look again, perhaps with softer eyes. There very well may be more learning, more connection, more progress than you thought.

The beauty of homeschooling is that you get to define what progress looks like. You get to choose the lens.

So, as you reflect on this past year, don’t just count the completed pages. Count the questions asked, the ideas explored, the growth endured, the joy discovered, and the love shared.

Give the meaning of “progress” the depth that it deserves.