Last year while running the Thrive at Home Coaching Program, we spent a month diving deep into the topic of meaningful connection with our children. I created a Thirty Days of Connection Calendar and had a pretty profound experience. This year throughout the month of October, I reintroduced the calendar publicly, inviting others to participate again. The month has ended but this post will serve as a placeholder on this blog for anyone who would like to understand more about the calendar challenge, or who is inspired to spend a month intentionally deepening their connection with their children.
I wanted to take a moment to tell you about my own experience using the calendar the first time, and the impact that it had on me. What I quickly realized throughout the month, was that I was tending to think very generally about my parenting. In general, I was doing okay with connection. But as I engaged in the things suggested on the calendar, I was also doing a lot of self-reflection, which brought a new level of intention and awareness to everything. I realized that I was actually missing a lot of moments and there were many areas of my connection with the kids that could have been better. There were many moments in the ensuing weeks when I would see their little faces light up with joy as I was actively trying to remove the layers that had been built up between us and that were disrupting our connection.
One of the things that we talk about in the coaching program is how we have a lot of layers that keep us from connecting well with our children. These layers tend to revolve around fear, guilt, and shame. Here is an example. Have you ever experienced a time when your children were fearful of your response to something? Because they were fearful of what you thought, they didn’t bring their full selves to the table in their communication and interaction with you. They hid the parts that they thought would be disappointing.
Sometimes there’s shame and guilt on our children’s part over not meeting expectations that we have for them. Sometimes there’s shame and guilt on our part because we feel like we failed them, or we know that we didn’t do something right. Those feelings of guilt and shame are layers that get built up between us and our children, the people with whom we are trying to connect. Therefore, meaningful connection is really about removing layers so that authentic connection can happen.
I have to say that throughout the month, even on days when I didn’t get enough sleep (typically those are times when I would be more cranky), on days where I chose connection over control, things were so much better. We experienced a great deal of joy. Many times the connection-disrupting layer of fear can be exhibited as control, even if we don’t want to admit it at first. There’s a control element that comes through much of our parenting that we have to be conscious about because really, it is birthed out of fear.
I heard Pam Leo, the author of Connection Parenting say that, “Our greatest power as parents is our power to choose. We will either repeat or evolve.” Uncertainty can make us feel insecure, which is not good for any kind of connection, and fear can lead to both control and insecurity. All the things that block us from deeper, richer, more meaningful connection with our kids are going to rob us of what we really want—the fulfillment and joy that come from a good relationship.
Another thing that was good for me to explore while using the calendar, was whether or not there was maximum joy in our homeschool experience. I think that many times when children are compliant we believe that it means they are joyful or well connected to us. However, the two are not synonymous. Compliance does not necessarily indicate that they are the most joyful they could be. So we definitely explored that too.
Lastly, I reflected a great deal on the topic of visibility. I was watching a television show one day, in which a child ended up in the hospital because he did something dangerous in an effort to get his parents to notice him. One particular line from a character struck me: “It’s amazing how even in a loving home, a child can feel unseen.” One of the things I often coach homeschooling mamas to do, is to ask themselves—What are things I can do to make my child more “visible” in my home? In what ways are they invisible? Upon true reflection, the ways this question might be answered may initially seem surprising or uncomfortable.
Sometimes the way our environment or routines are set up does not allow for children to meaningfully express themselves, even through their work. Again, here is where we can erroneously assume that because our children are compliant about something, they are joyful or well connected to us…and therefore visible. But it doesn’t always add up like this. Thirty Days of Connection can be an attempt to explore this topic of visibility for every child in your home. Not just the loud ones, attention-seeking ones, compliant, or quiet ones, but for all of them.
We as parents have the ability to create a really strong bond with our children. A deep and meaningful connection is something we have the privilege of building. So why not put that at the forefront of our homeschooling experience? To make the most of the time we have with our children is to cultivate that connection—not just now, but at every stage of their journey. That’s what Thirty Days of Connection is all about. It is an effort to slow down enough to create better moments. It’s building an awareness that is sure to extend beyond thirty days. It’s making connection simple. Seizing opportunities. Cherishing moments. Maximizing simplicity for magnificent gain. It is not about expecting to do things perfectly every time, but about noticing what we’re doing.
If you want some simple ideas on ways to build a more meaningful connection with your kids, then join the #thirtydaysofconnection challenge! You can search that hashtag on Instagram for more inspiration or use it to share how things are going. I share the prompt calendar with families in the hopes that it will spark ideas for them, and with the expectation that they will use it in ways that suit them. That means you should add your own ideas! Exchange some for ones of your own. Repeat them again and again.
Click HERE to download the PDF!
If you were participating in the challenge last month, I hope that you continue to intentionally build a deep connection with your children. It’s never too late to start and there never really is a reason to end. May the new insight gained from an intentional month of connection stay with you for a lifetime and inspire you to seek more.
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